Heavyweight Bash Bash

Now guy's, it's not fair to compare apples and oranges. One is an apple the other is an orange, two totally different things with the only common ground being that they are both fruits. For the record i'm equally impressed by both, though i think i prefer the juice of an orange. Apples have better skin. I'm not actually here to compare said fruits, no, i mean business with this here post. I've got a head to head that will blow your head. LET THA BATTLE FOR BEST GUY BEGIN!

In the left corner, hailing from the big apple, the empire state, we have Black Dave!

And in the right corner, hailing from Miami now residing in Perth, Western Australia... Aslan Flocka Flame!

Oh shit, that's Galliano. This is Ash.

ROUND 1- STEEZYSOEEZY

Black Dave: I don't know Black Dave personally but he does seem to reek of steeze. A) He's a New Yorker, which kind of is like a 10up when it comes to cool points B) He also goes by the name Black Donald Trump. While white Donald Trump is an awkward looking, ignorant, toupee wearing chump, Black Dave has hair and rides a skateboard. More cool point's. BTW i only skate because chicks dig it.

Aslan Flocka Flame: AFF is probably the most naturally steeze ridden human i have ever had the pleasure of meeting. He owns two whips, a honda civic and a lowrider. Lowrider's are like a 10up when it comes to G status which in turn equates to cool points. Don't act like you haven't played GTA San Andreas and not enjoyed every second you got to ride your lowrider in a beater. He struts like a pimp and probably is one.

Winner: Close first round. Both men came out swinging. Aslan wins though.

ROUND 2 - HOTSPITTA

Black Dave: Just in case you live under a rock:

"I fucked a bitch today", "these white girls already know i bring the pain", "Black Donald trump and i'm a mother fuckin ent-rep-ren-eur, and your bitch is a whore"

Need i elaborate?

Aslan Flocka Flame: He has a rapper's name so you know he's too legit to quit. Don't take my word for it though. looky here... I lied you're going to have to take my word, it's bond. I just spent the last half an hour unsuccessfully scouring his FB page for one liner's. Believe that they exist, it's your funeral if you sleep on him. His favourite rapper is Cam'ron. 

Winner: I'll have to give this one to Black Dave, no disrespect to AFF on this one but i haven't personally heard him spit a hot one.

ROUND 3 - PUSSYPOPPIN'

Black Dave: He talks the talk but then the bitch he's got chilling with him in the taxi cab is kinda whatever. I'm not saying she's ugly but damn kid you can't talk about banging hot bitches then go fuck with mediocre hoe's, not that she's mediocre, i bet she's really nice. You got her opening doors for you. Good start bro.

Aslan Flocka Flame: Ash can get it. He has that 'i'm a nice guy but i'll tear you apart' look in his eyes. He also has a pretty feasible rap sheet when it comes to guzzlers. Ash doesn't talk himself up either but then he'll rock up rocking an Audrey and a fur jacket complete with bolo tie.

Winner: Pulling bitches in a bolo, fuck ridin' solo. Aslan Flocka Flame silky like rolo.

ROUND 4 - SWEATSESH

Black Dave: You saw that back lip IN A SUIT! He quite obviously rides his board everywhere IN A SUIT! I'm gathering he can ball pretty good too, you know New York and all (nothing to do with the colour of his skin). RUMOUR HAS IT HE BALLS IN A SUIT. Under Armour? No thanks bro i'll settle for a tailored 3 piece.

Aslan Flocka Flame: I've played along side and against AFF in basketball. I can honestly say i'd rather have him as a friend than foe on the black top or wood top or that green grippy shit top. He has arms like a giraffe neck and hops like Russell Westbrook.

Winner: Black Dave wins it by a hair. Not by an Ash lock but by a pube. It has nothing to do with his skin tone and that black people are genetically superior in terms of muscle development. Back lip in a suit. Sweat would be the real winner if i was comparing sweat to either of these subjects, but that's not why we're here.

Coming into round V both competitors have won two rounds each. This is the deciding round. This is why these two gentleman were born. 

ROUND 5 - MY SUIT IS BETTER THAN YOURS'S'S'S... BITCH

Black Dave: So i've already touched on BD's suit rocking steeze and while it is good it isn't great. Sure he can back lip IN A SUIT but it was a little sloppy and a good suit should always be well tailored or at least well fit to your torso. The playboy hat added some points but playboy is also trashy and is affiliated with Uggs and peroxided, cake faced blondes.

Aslan Flocka Flame:

Or Fabio?

Overall Winner: Purely unbiased and solely based on suit rocking goodness, I have to give the ring to Aslan Flocka Flame. He has the hair, he has the broad, he has the steeze, he has our hearts and he is a Hair Bro.

Best Guy.

No Homo.

Streetcar Named Desire.

Im an overly prepared know it all. Fuck streetcar etiquette, I'm above all that shit.

I know at what exact minute the streetcar is going to pull up to my stop, so Im going to make a move now, ousting little kids and old war veterans in the process just so I can solidify my position. I couldn't give two dicks about the fact that the streetcar is more jam packed than the Mumbai Suburban Railway at peak hour, I need to ensure I am standing right in front of the doors a good 3 stops before I am due to alight. Obstructing other members of public from getting on and off the vehicle is just a casualty of war that I am happily prepared to accept.

Oh dammit, there's an extremely good looking and well balanced Mauritian standing in the exact same position I'm meant to be in and Im only 4 stops away from when Im due to get off! If I dont get in there now, I wont be able to make it and the streetcar driver probably wont wait for me to exit and I'll end up at the end of the line or even worse in Tokyo, and have to purchase a plane ticket all the way back to College St so that I can eventually make it home. Yeah, I should definitely make a move now.

Subtlety is a dish best served cold. If I place my hand on the same pole he's holding next to the door, duck under his arm and do a little shimmy of my ass letting my massive red backpack do the rest of the work, I should be able to create enough distance between him and the steps to (not) comfortably stand.

*Oooo, swish, bang, push, twist, wiggle, tackle, punch, decapitate*

Yes! Success!!! Even though the bottom half his body is situated awkwardly between two festively plump business men, his arm at 90 degrees to his elbow and head tweaked at a position I never thought was possible, he's eventually vacated the area. I can now ride at the steps of the street car for 12 stops and make a comfortable departure before going home to play with myself because I am a cold, disrespectful and selfish bitch and as a result havent been able to hold down any form of successful companionship with anyone because I suck at life. Ah well, at least I got an A+ in Public Transport Etiquette 101.