BMXing is so '99

Now since I’ve been living up on the North Side of the map, I’ve considered this city to be pretty dope. I mean the Raptors had Carter, McGrady, Dee Brown and Mugsy Bogues all playing together for them at one stage which is pretty damn steezy. That is until I started to notice an unacceptable trend growing amongst the obviously misguided Torontonian youth that could single handedly strip this fine city of all the style points it has managed to bank over the years. For all of those who have yet to have their eyes raped, I have attached the relevant forms of media below… Beware, prolonged viewing may cause yeast infection.

Yep apparently wearing gloves whilst shredding isn't stylish enough... Gotta get dem black and grey joints with the sweet urinal cakes attached to the palm otherwise you wont be spreading the stoke. Shits indie.

Still not convinced? Peep this monstrosity. Their favourite level on Tony Hawks was probably Downhill Jam.

I generally don’t like to fuck wit negativity too much if I can avoid it. That shits contagious. But this time I just couldn't’t help myself, as I continually watch the wholesome and beloved sport of skateboarding being reduced to rubble as a result of these clowns plaguing the streets of Toronto with their do-gooder school boy attitudes and their 'Mandatory Monday' helmet skate sessions. No helmet, no play? I don't wanna wear a fucking helmet. I don't want to 'Spread the Stoke'. Fuck off. I'd rather eat a mushroom. Can you even crab walk? Tic Tac? Ah that's right, you can't because you ride a flat mis-shaped breadstick on wheels. The reason why you wear urinal cakes on your hands is so that you can try to mask the shit smell that follows you around whilst you clog up the footpaths and more imprtantly my patience. If you want to bomb hills go and get a proper throwback board and grow a kick, or fuck off and take up snowboarding. You live in Canada FFS.

Can I get a witness?

OMFG, it's so close I can taste it!

So unless you have a job, a life, no eyes and ears or just focus your attention on real life type shit you would know that the royal wedding is only a fart around the corner. I mean hell, Iv'e been so focused on the NBA playoffs I almost forgot that THIS IS PROBABLY THE MOST IMPORTANT EVENT THAT WE WILL EVER WITNESS (until the next one). More important than the moon landing, more groundbreaking than a jackhammer, bigger than Dwight's shoulder's. Shame on you for reaching for the remote when the live updates stream in. Fuck the news, this is the mother fucking news.

Ol' lady Liz has her minions in career best form for these nuptials. I feel that on the day our royals will be prepared and will put on a dazzling display of skill. Charlie does his thing, he's not gonna lead a battalion out on the field and get his hands dirty but his ears are mad big. Better whisper when you're in his palace boy! Prince Phil, the duke, the king. Seriously, hide your wives, children, boysenberry ice cream, digestive biscuits and corgi's. He's married to the queen. whats up? King Phil = problem. Then you got willy boy... Honestly, he's too nice. Yeah it's his day and all but he's an A grade chump, he'll let mother fuckers waltz straight into the paint and steal his broad. Damn soft awkward walking Queensland loving ass. Duke of Brisbane! YEEEEEOOOWWW NRL rape scandals and XXXX bitches. K- Mids is a sneaky under the radar type bitch. Girl can get it. She looks pretty tight and she collect's a limited edition ring to got with her millions of dollars worth of star wars merch. When she's dropping dimes... game over.

Haz for me is the danger man, rodger ramjet type steeze. He'll bang each bridesmaid twice then go off on a bender with the boys, shave his head and fight a bear. Heard a rumour that he's planning on fluffing during the 'i do's'. Ladsy. MVP.

I hope thats given you a little more insight into the big day. Now go get that ignorance looked at you uneducated fools.

GO MAGIC

Tales From Around the Water Cooler

So I’ve been working in and around offices for the better part of 5 years now and as a result have witnessed some weird and wonderful situations evolve, to which I am continually fascinated by and constantly feel the need to share with all the homies (Jeremy) down at the local watering hole (kitchen table). However, one situation in particular somehow manages to find itself on the front page of my daily download on a regular basis. Kind of like watching Seinfeld re-runs over and over again – It just never seems to lose its entertainment value. Timeless type humour.

Which brings me to the situation in discussion;

Older male members of staff like to drink sufficient amounts of free coffee throughout the day in order to brew up a good ol’ case of the squirts...

This is by far the funniest office scenario that I think exists. At first I thought it was just a Perth thing. But no, it turns out that this favourite office pastime is just as big in the bricked confines that exist on the other side of the planet. Its like a fuckin orchestra coming out of those hot boxes sometimes. And it’s always the old boys on their 6-a-day caffeine regime, that make their presence known whilst they’re in the jon. So if you're thinking of trying to be quiet in attempt to be courteous, then you’re way off and should probably pursue a career as a male librarian or something, drink green tea all day and leave the squirting to the real men.

As a matter of fact, I’m pretty sure that if you are quiet whilst poopin, you will be subject to an insurmountable amount of heckling like that guy in the football team that tries to partake in team showers with his jocks on. Any office rep that you’ve built up will automatically be shot, your chances of getting in there with any office honeys will be next to zero, you will be labeled as ‘the guy who uses to vagina to poop’ and may/may not feel the need to resign as a result of the constant workplace bullying. Good luck trying to get a job in another office, bagyna boy.

This lifestyle choice has even transitioned into the urinal game, to which I have noticed a steady incline in frequency and popularity over the past couple of years amongst young and old office junkies alike. ‘Coffee giving your stomach grief again? Just cock the leg up as you’re dispensing your fluid due to the diuretic effects of said coffee, and expel what air you need to in a safe and non-judgemental environment. Hell if its really loud , you may even get a raise!’. How do you expect me to keep quiet and not break out in complete hysterics when the level of your flatulence cuts through the silent air like a knife does bread and interupts what would otherwise be a peaceful and solo affair? Answer? I don’t.

New Jack

Before humans were humans we were called something else like "walking flesh bro's", beards and shit. Males rocked trendy rabbit fur thongs and females had their titties chilling, dudes would be getting mad boners. We evolved into the modern day human. Males rock trendy neck lines and females cover their parts, dudes are still getting mad boners. Though we haven't evolved a lot physically in the last 40,000 years, mentally we continue to change the game. Everything you see, smell, taste and hear has been created or had it's code cracked by someone's ability to bend their brain, manipulate ideas and above all, observe.

This will become a collection of observations observed by observant twenty something years olds.