Tales From Around the Water Cooler

So I’ve been working in and around offices for the better part of 5 years now and as a result have witnessed some weird and wonderful situations evolve, to which I am continually fascinated by and constantly feel the need to share with all the homies (Jeremy) down at the local watering hole (kitchen table). However, one situation in particular somehow manages to find itself on the front page of my daily download on a regular basis. Kind of like watching Seinfeld re-runs over and over again – It just never seems to lose its entertainment value. Timeless type humour.

Which brings me to the situation in discussion;

Older male members of staff like to drink sufficient amounts of free coffee throughout the day in order to brew up a good ol’ case of the squirts...

This is by far the funniest office scenario that I think exists. At first I thought it was just a Perth thing. But no, it turns out that this favourite office pastime is just as big in the bricked confines that exist on the other side of the planet. Its like a fuckin orchestra coming out of those hot boxes sometimes. And it’s always the old boys on their 6-a-day caffeine regime, that make their presence known whilst they’re in the jon. So if you're thinking of trying to be quiet in attempt to be courteous, then you’re way off and should probably pursue a career as a male librarian or something, drink green tea all day and leave the squirting to the real men.

As a matter of fact, I’m pretty sure that if you are quiet whilst poopin, you will be subject to an insurmountable amount of heckling like that guy in the football team that tries to partake in team showers with his jocks on. Any office rep that you’ve built up will automatically be shot, your chances of getting in there with any office honeys will be next to zero, you will be labeled as ‘the guy who uses to vagina to poop’ and may/may not feel the need to resign as a result of the constant workplace bullying. Good luck trying to get a job in another office, bagyna boy.

This lifestyle choice has even transitioned into the urinal game, to which I have noticed a steady incline in frequency and popularity over the past couple of years amongst young and old office junkies alike. ‘Coffee giving your stomach grief again? Just cock the leg up as you’re dispensing your fluid due to the diuretic effects of said coffee, and expel what air you need to in a safe and non-judgemental environment. Hell if its really loud , you may even get a raise!’. How do you expect me to keep quiet and not break out in complete hysterics when the level of your flatulence cuts through the silent air like a knife does bread and interupts what would otherwise be a peaceful and solo affair? Answer? I don’t.