haha lol... Hip Hop

2011 was a big year. I was the start of a new decade, it was ten year's since 9/11, the whole Charlie Sheen losing his marbles and the annoyance of the word 'winning'. Seriously, too many gags revolved around winning. It was funny the first time it was referenced, then everybody thought they were hilarious. They weren't. There was a royal wedding, the Japanese tsunami tragedy and the death of Gadhafi. In 2011 i packed up my shit and flew half way across the globe and settled in Toronto where i saw snow for the fist time. I went to San Francisco, New Orleans, New York, Mexico and Montreal. I kissed a sorority girl. Dirk Nowitzki won a ring.

2011 was also a big year for music. We lost some of the most talented musicians that the world has ever known. It was a particularly busy year for hip hop. Jay-z and Kanye played 'niggas in paris' 98 times when The Throne made it to Reykjvik (the capital of Iceland). Kanye found 20 synths in his basement, hired an octopus as a composer and produced 'Watch the Throne'. Jay-z planted a seed in his fine ass wife. Props. Odd Future blew up like Osama's crib did, drake cried on a mic and it sounds nice, Wayne got on 5boro and grew a vagina.

Now that's why we're really here. I think we finally had a brood dope mc's and producers make it out last year but for every point these guys gained for bringing it back, somebody had to poo all over the game with wackness.

Figure 1:

Chris Brown aka C Breezy aka Bobby Brown v.02

Not really too much to say about this Sisqo cock gobbling douche that bigghostnahmean hasn't already said. This guy is rapping now. He rides around with his click in leopard print on razor scooter's. His click consists of Wiz Khalifa and Tyga. Rap music bleached it hair when he did and in doing so lost a little soul.

Figure 2:

Lil Wayne aka Weezy aka Grown Ass Man In Zebra Leggings

What the fuck. I don't condone drug use and i think if somebody kicks their habit they should be congratulated. Not wayne. Go back to drinking sizuuuuurrp and smoking pre rolled blunts. This dude starts rapping like a child, "skinny jeans and vans", sick line man. You gonna be a Lucy's 15th birthday party? Heard she's hella about guys in skinny jeans and vans. Yo, maybe you could make a song titled 'How To Love' and sing on it and sound really good. Man can't wait to see what pant's he'll wear this year.

Figure 3:

Busta Rhymes aka Busabus aka Trevor

One of the sickest ever, hands down. Fucks with Dilla, the whole leaders of the new school thing, he'll spit the hottest bars while he's chewing you up and shit out a grill. This cat can turn audio water to wine, make a pop track pop harder than Pete Doherty's crack pipe. This mother fucker can produce crack with his own saliva. Get it? He's a spitting machine that's been doing his thing since most of these YMCMB lames were still being breast fed. He's allowed to be fat. That's why it pains me so much to read that he signs to Young Money. Fuck Young Money. I can't single handedly blame them for the demise of hip hop in 2011 but i sure can throw a foot in there and make a point. From a business stand point, good move, Trev. But fuck, you came up with the best of the best now you jump into bed with the same type of cunce you diss. You were getting Arab money, now it's all Christian Louboutin sneaks and diamond encrusted maxi pads.

I think you can see my issue here. All these cats have ties to Young Moola.

Christian Louboutin: Sneaker pimpin' aint easy, neither is justifying these. GTFO

So now we sit and wait for what 2012 will bring besides the end of the world. If YMCMB keep infecting my ears i'll be waiting out front to be the first hit by whatever is gonna drop and kill us. I must admit, good hip hop did exist in 2011 and it's more frustration that poo sells more than talent does these days. Kendrick Lamar seems to be some sort of saviour. Odd Future are dope as fuck besides the over use of the word swag. Why you keep talking about camping guys? A$AP Rocky has a good thing going. Yes, I'm only mentioning the breakout cats cos you gotta make it to shape it. Finally dudes is making an emphasis beat wise too. It's hip hop after all. Treat it with respect... and listen to jazz.

Heavyweight Bash Bash

Now guy's, it's not fair to compare apples and oranges. One is an apple the other is an orange, two totally different things with the only common ground being that they are both fruits. For the record i'm equally impressed by both, though i think i prefer the juice of an orange. Apples have better skin. I'm not actually here to compare said fruits, no, i mean business with this here post. I've got a head to head that will blow your head. LET THA BATTLE FOR BEST GUY BEGIN!

In the left corner, hailing from the big apple, the empire state, we have Black Dave!

And in the right corner, hailing from Miami now residing in Perth, Western Australia... Aslan Flocka Flame!

Oh shit, that's Galliano. This is Ash.

ROUND 1- STEEZYSOEEZY

Black Dave: I don't know Black Dave personally but he does seem to reek of steeze. A) He's a New Yorker, which kind of is like a 10up when it comes to cool points B) He also goes by the name Black Donald Trump. While white Donald Trump is an awkward looking, ignorant, toupee wearing chump, Black Dave has hair and rides a skateboard. More cool point's. BTW i only skate because chicks dig it.

Aslan Flocka Flame: AFF is probably the most naturally steeze ridden human i have ever had the pleasure of meeting. He owns two whips, a honda civic and a lowrider. Lowrider's are like a 10up when it comes to G status which in turn equates to cool points. Don't act like you haven't played GTA San Andreas and not enjoyed every second you got to ride your lowrider in a beater. He struts like a pimp and probably is one.

Winner: Close first round. Both men came out swinging. Aslan wins though.

ROUND 2 - HOTSPITTA

Black Dave: Just in case you live under a rock:

"I fucked a bitch today", "these white girls already know i bring the pain", "Black Donald trump and i'm a mother fuckin ent-rep-ren-eur, and your bitch is a whore"

Need i elaborate?

Aslan Flocka Flame: He has a rapper's name so you know he's too legit to quit. Don't take my word for it though. looky here... I lied you're going to have to take my word, it's bond. I just spent the last half an hour unsuccessfully scouring his FB page for one liner's. Believe that they exist, it's your funeral if you sleep on him. His favourite rapper is Cam'ron. 

Winner: I'll have to give this one to Black Dave, no disrespect to AFF on this one but i haven't personally heard him spit a hot one.

ROUND 3 - PUSSYPOPPIN'

Black Dave: He talks the talk but then the bitch he's got chilling with him in the taxi cab is kinda whatever. I'm not saying she's ugly but damn kid you can't talk about banging hot bitches then go fuck with mediocre hoe's, not that she's mediocre, i bet she's really nice. You got her opening doors for you. Good start bro.

Aslan Flocka Flame: Ash can get it. He has that 'i'm a nice guy but i'll tear you apart' look in his eyes. He also has a pretty feasible rap sheet when it comes to guzzlers. Ash doesn't talk himself up either but then he'll rock up rocking an Audrey and a fur jacket complete with bolo tie.

Winner: Pulling bitches in a bolo, fuck ridin' solo. Aslan Flocka Flame silky like rolo.

ROUND 4 - SWEATSESH

Black Dave: You saw that back lip IN A SUIT! He quite obviously rides his board everywhere IN A SUIT! I'm gathering he can ball pretty good too, you know New York and all (nothing to do with the colour of his skin). RUMOUR HAS IT HE BALLS IN A SUIT. Under Armour? No thanks bro i'll settle for a tailored 3 piece.

Aslan Flocka Flame: I've played along side and against AFF in basketball. I can honestly say i'd rather have him as a friend than foe on the black top or wood top or that green grippy shit top. He has arms like a giraffe neck and hops like Russell Westbrook.

Winner: Black Dave wins it by a hair. Not by an Ash lock but by a pube. It has nothing to do with his skin tone and that black people are genetically superior in terms of muscle development. Back lip in a suit. Sweat would be the real winner if i was comparing sweat to either of these subjects, but that's not why we're here.

Coming into round V both competitors have won two rounds each. This is the deciding round. This is why these two gentleman were born. 

ROUND 5 - MY SUIT IS BETTER THAN YOURS'S'S'S... BITCH

Black Dave: So i've already touched on BD's suit rocking steeze and while it is good it isn't great. Sure he can back lip IN A SUIT but it was a little sloppy and a good suit should always be well tailored or at least well fit to your torso. The playboy hat added some points but playboy is also trashy and is affiliated with Uggs and peroxided, cake faced blondes.

Aslan Flocka Flame:

Or Fabio?

Overall Winner: Purely unbiased and solely based on suit rocking goodness, I have to give the ring to Aslan Flocka Flame. He has the hair, he has the broad, he has the steeze, he has our hearts and he is a Hair Bro.

Best Guy.

No Homo.

Streetcar Named Desire.

Im an overly prepared know it all. Fuck streetcar etiquette, I'm above all that shit.

I know at what exact minute the streetcar is going to pull up to my stop, so Im going to make a move now, ousting little kids and old war veterans in the process just so I can solidify my position. I couldn't give two dicks about the fact that the streetcar is more jam packed than the Mumbai Suburban Railway at peak hour, I need to ensure I am standing right in front of the doors a good 3 stops before I am due to alight. Obstructing other members of public from getting on and off the vehicle is just a casualty of war that I am happily prepared to accept.

Oh dammit, there's an extremely good looking and well balanced Mauritian standing in the exact same position I'm meant to be in and Im only 4 stops away from when Im due to get off! If I dont get in there now, I wont be able to make it and the streetcar driver probably wont wait for me to exit and I'll end up at the end of the line or even worse in Tokyo, and have to purchase a plane ticket all the way back to College St so that I can eventually make it home. Yeah, I should definitely make a move now.

Subtlety is a dish best served cold. If I place my hand on the same pole he's holding next to the door, duck under his arm and do a little shimmy of my ass letting my massive red backpack do the rest of the work, I should be able to create enough distance between him and the steps to (not) comfortably stand.

*Oooo, swish, bang, push, twist, wiggle, tackle, punch, decapitate*

Yes! Success!!! Even though the bottom half his body is situated awkwardly between two festively plump business men, his arm at 90 degrees to his elbow and head tweaked at a position I never thought was possible, he's eventually vacated the area. I can now ride at the steps of the street car for 12 stops and make a comfortable departure before going home to play with myself because I am a cold, disrespectful and selfish bitch and as a result havent been able to hold down any form of successful companionship with anyone because I suck at life. Ah well, at least I got an A+ in Public Transport Etiquette 101.

Would Smash Wednesdays.

So Its half a week later. I work nights and when i... alright i just didn't do it. Honestly, i was pretty off this idea and felt that an early retirement was in order for old mate Would Smash... Then i woke up drunk dressed as an ice cream man.

Kimbra. This girl. I would such and such with Kaykay, i dont't even feel right saying smash. Kimbra is a native of Australia's homeboy, New Zealand. She now resides in Melbourne and makes good music. Damn cute, little cropped bob, well dressed, groove bubbling, indie broad. Would Smash.

Kaykay and me sitting in a tree...

Where the Magic Happens.

Call it a mancrush if you will, but I like to keep tabs on Dwight Howard's life . Its a wholesome, informative and enternaining past time that I have indefinitely incorporated into my daily work tasks. Not to mention the amount of ammo it provides for a good party conversation starter because, well, everyone loves Dwight's shoulders... and they think he's kinda ok too.

So as I was completing today's routine stalking session I noticed a tweet of his that got my comparative juices flowing... "Hhmmm what do you guys think about havin an old school vs new school magic game/weekend here in orlando. Hosted by me. Need some ideas"

This immediately got me thinking about two things; 1) the possibility of this actually happening would be smaller than Jeremy's win/loss ratio to me in one-on-one and more importantly 2) I wonder who would win out of a game between today's Magic and my favourite and most influential squad of all time, the 94/95 Orlando Magic team? I mean if it was a question of style, it would be an obvious no brainer. Horace Grant made rocking goggles stylish, Penny donned a pair of Lil Penny's to go with his elegant fadeaway J and Shaq wasn't as fat and was droppin platinum rap albums. It was stylish to rock fitted kits and kicks became timeless. NBA in the 90's at its best.

But if you actually took today's team and back to the future their asses to 1995, who would win in a 48 minute game of hoops. On one hand, you had the formidable combo of Penny and Shaq. Skill trumped athleticsm and teams scored big in the posts. In terms of big names and all around skill, I think the 94/95 Orlando Magic probably had a better team on paper. On the other hand, basketball has evolved alot over the past 16 or 17 years. Guys are more athletic nowdays with shoulders the size of boulders and a pre game meal for most centers consists of a small child. As a result, players are quicker and stronger so teams utilize isolation plays alot more to exploit their skills. So whilst today's Orlando team has alot more 'filler' type players on their roster, the overall skill level and intensity of the NBA has increased so therefore they should be of a higher calibre athlete.

Anyways, as this game will probably never take place anytime soon, I thought I'd provide you with a player v player analysis to put your curious minds to rest.

Guards: Nick Anderson vs Jameer Nelson
Should be a really interesting battle. They are pretty evenly matched points - wise, although Nelson drops a coupla more dimes per game. Nelson could struggle with the fact that Anderson is a good 6 inches taller than him, so he'd have to use his speed to beat him off the dribble and in transition. I think overall, Nelson would just win this duel, especially if it came down to free throws. Anderson's ability to shoot from the line in pressure situations was about as good as Bogut's ability to get through a successful media interview without being all awkward and saying some wack shit.

Guards: Anfernee Hardaway vs Jason Richardson
Well it would depend on whether Penny would be fit and healthy or not... actually fuck that Penny with a broken leg and half a dick would still dominate. I got love for J Rich and all but since he joined the Magic his game's been patchier than a 3 year old's colouring book. Good guy though. Penny's just a don. I still to this day think that minus the injuries, Penny could've matched Jordan. Jus saying.



Ewing would be so livid.

Forwards: Dennis Scott vs Hedo Turkoglu
Another good shoot out.

Dennis Scott was a solid role player for the Magic and could drain a tre like it was nobody's business, however both players are pretty evenly matched in terms of points and shooting % from beyond the arc. It would depend on if we were talknig about 2008 finals Turkoglu, or the recently acquired 2/12 shooting Turkoglu thats managed to turn the whole of Toronto against him. I honestly got nothing but mad love for Turkey, so I think if he can find that player that he previsouly was with the Magic before he got traded to the Raptors, he'd have the ability to pull something special out of the hat and just out do Scott in this battle. Not by much though.

Forwards : Horace Grant vs Brandon Bass

Bass was finding some golden form in the latter half of last year and became a reliable player for Van Gundy to turn to when Turkey or J Rich weren't producing the good stuff. But Horace wore goggles. He wins by default.

Centers: Shaquille O'Neal vs Dwight Howard

The showdown. The main event. What everyone came to see. The two beasts fighting for one prized catch. Superman vs Superman II. 29 & 11 vs 23 & 14. The blatantly arrogant vs ever so charming. The clash of the titans.

So who would win the matchup? Fuck, I dunno to be honest. I mean Shaq was only in his 3rd season of NBA at this point, so his game would probably have alot more of a rawness to it. Where as Dwight is heading into his 8th season and would probably have alot more of a refined and well-rounded game in terms of contributing on both ends of the court. But then again you look at Shaq's numbers, even at 3 years in and he's leading the NBA in scoring playing at the centre position which is pretty damn impressive. Not to mention that the legacy he left as one of the NBA's greatest centers is yet to be fucked with: 4 rings, NBA MVP, 3 finals MVP, 15 NBA all stars, 2 scoring championships... the list goes on. so as much as it pains me to say this, Dwight isn't quite there yet and I think even at this point in his career, the 94/95 Shaq would have him beat on game day.

Winner: Orlando Magic 94/95 team
So there you have it, 3/5 key matchups won and the Orlando Magic 94/95 team runaway with it in the dying minutes, 101-96. Penny scores 31 and drops 15 dimes, Whilst Shaq contributes 26 and 12 and Horace chimes in with a sweet 17 points. Dwight knocks up 20 & 15 and Mr Richardson had one of his better outings with 23 points.

Its all good though, Dwight's a funny cunch and does mad good impersonations. Look who's got the last laugh now.

Would Smash Wednesdays.

Just a little something to get you through the rest of the work week. Call me a pig, a dog or a chauvinist. Otherwise you could just see it for what it is, a young man who appreciates and gets great joy out of the smaller things in life. I welcome you to the first 'Would Smash'.

Kreashawn. Raised in Oakland California by a single, musician mother, Kreashawn was in and out of schools and trouble with the law. She smokes cannabis and drinks alcohol. Kreashy got her big break with her viral single 'Gucci Gucci'. She has tattoos. Would Smash.

P-Town Peeps Gettin It Done... The Annex is on one.

Perth has been on its primetime shit of late and The Annex has officially grabbed the mic and stolen centre stage.

The Annex is a quaint little retail haven that resides in the ever so charming suburb of Mount Hawthorn and is run by none other than the always exquisite Ms. Carla Totaro.

A boutique gem that has emerged in the constantly growing Perth fashion retail industry, The Annex brings us labels such as Magdalena Valevska, Manning Cartell, Gat Rimon, Camilla and Marc Swim and Resort, Uscari, Dress Up, Winter Kate, Antipodium, Desmond, Nicholas, Jessie Hill, Hyde Accessories and a personal favourite of mine, DITA Eyewear.

What was that you said? Amazing? Yep you'd be spot on with that one. Ladies, if you're still reading this I'd probably head there right now, so you can become one of those people that can say "err, I was shopping here way before anyone else was". Mad Perth underground know it all steeze.

And guys imagine the amount of brownie points that you can cop from the missus by getting your European on and buying her some stylish Astier De Vilatte Candles from here? Or a dope rust coloured "Abbey" top by Nicholas with a complimenting Hyde Suede Fringe Bag? Like 32 million, that's how many. You could probably even milk those brownie points for like a year or two without even trying and you'll have her giving it up at every opportunity she gets from that point forward.

So you see, its pretty much a win for both parties involved and more importantly, the city of Perth as a whole.

For further info, you can get at The Annex on;

The Annex

145 Scarborough Beach Road

Mount Hawthorn
9444 1450

carla@theannexbrands.com.au

or

https://www.facebook.com/#!/theannexmthawthorn

...Or follow them on Twitter @theannexperth

Go on. Spoil yourself. You deserve it.