Friday, June 17, 2011
Friday, June 10, 2011
Just a Salad?
This is Fresh.
Fresh unfortunately resides at the bottom of our street.
As the name suggests, Fresh prides itself on serving organic vegetarian dishes and as a result, they feel that they are allowed to charge 13 bucks a pop for a vaginatarian salad. Despite this, theres always a massive line to get into the place and for some reason heaps of guys like to take their girfriends/dates there to try and impress them.
They always choose to sit near the window sill, all smiles, showing everyone how healthy they can be munching on gourmet lettuce leaves for dinner. I think men may even have to tuck their dicks in between their legs upon entrance. Seriously guys, get the sand out of your vaginas. How are you supposed to impress a girl on a first date by going to Fresh and ordering a fucking mango tango salad and a glass of freshly blended organic carrot juice? Cmon man, you aint gon get any vag pulling that lame ol move. Take her to KFC, double down that shit with a Doc Pepper and call it night. I guarantee you she'll be double downing on you the minute you step foot through your doorway.
But dont just take it from me. Here's a modern day example:
This is Boobs. Boobs is a lad.
Boobs is gettin it in on the reg.
Boobs loves to eat burgers. Ever heard of a 12 tacker? Didn't think so. Trumps your 2 fruit and 5 veg any day of the week.
I rest my case.
Fresh unfortunately resides at the bottom of our street.
As the name suggests, Fresh prides itself on serving organic vegetarian dishes and as a result, they feel that they are allowed to charge 13 bucks a pop for a vaginatarian salad. Despite this, theres always a massive line to get into the place and for some reason heaps of guys like to take their girfriends/dates there to try and impress them.
They always choose to sit near the window sill, all smiles, showing everyone how healthy they can be munching on gourmet lettuce leaves for dinner. I think men may even have to tuck their dicks in between their legs upon entrance. Seriously guys, get the sand out of your vaginas. How are you supposed to impress a girl on a first date by going to Fresh and ordering a fucking mango tango salad and a glass of freshly blended organic carrot juice? Cmon man, you aint gon get any vag pulling that lame ol move. Take her to KFC, double down that shit with a Doc Pepper and call it night. I guarantee you she'll be double downing on you the minute you step foot through your doorway.
But dont just take it from me. Here's a modern day example:
This is Boobs. Boobs is a lad.
Boobs is gettin it in on the reg.
Boobs loves to eat burgers. Ever heard of a 12 tacker? Didn't think so. Trumps your 2 fruit and 5 veg any day of the week.
I rest my case.
More like "Big Wang Theory"
"The Big Bang Theory" is the worst television show currently on air, if not the worst show to have ever been thought up, produced and shoved in my face like a shovel of shit.
Seriously, I was an eight year old kid once and even I wouldn't have found this rude excuse for comedy comedic in the slightest. I might even direct my own pilot full of one liners like 'Did you just fart or did the toilet burp' and 'The only root you have had is a root canal'. Okay, funny when I say or type it and you read it because i'm hilarious. Take a leaf from my book Big Bang, quit while you're behind. If you manage to get even more behind you'll actually contradict science and create portal to ultimate behindness, you dick.
They have even managed to do the impossible, fail at fart jokes. Everybody loves a fart joke. Shit, every living organism get's a kick out of a good 'pull my finger'. My friend Seb (you might know him as sea bass) has a good move in which he leaves his keys on the passenger seat and lets his poop whole reign fury on your dome as you lean over and pick them up for him. Funny right? God damn lol i'm telling you and not that hard to execute. Fart jokes have been the purest and most universally rofl inducing form of comedy since it's inception. Babies fluff and we lose our shit, old men fluff and we lose our shit, hot chicks fluff and that's fucked up but we still lose our shit, Seb farts on MY HEAD and even I lose my shit. I mean hell, the word fart itself induces a little chuckle and still "Big Bang" somehow manage to rinse what was, before they came along, a certain ball tearer of all it's integrity and good standing. Fucking dog shit guys. You guys are dog shit.
With all this said the show manage's to retain an audience, has an army of dog shit supporters and all in all succeeds. This poses a serious question. Is this the latest in human evolution? Are human being's becoming more and more stupid by finding this funny? Yes, yes we are. Man kind we're on a roll at one point. We had fire first, sometime later came the light bulb and then Japan fucked all technology with it's awesomeness. There was spiritual african chant's, Mozart, Quincy Jones, Roy Ayers, Prince and now Lil B. All positive steps in music evolution. Charlie Chaplin paved the path that is comedy, the three stooges walked it, Jerry and Larry ran amuck on it, Ron Burgundy kept it classy, Dave Chappelle provides massive stomach crunching laughs and somehow this dog shit of a dog shit "Big Bang" get's to tap it's little toes all the way down the path's golden brick's of joy. If "Big Bang" wore shoe's it would wear toe shoes.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Not Another Wale Post
I was in New York last weekend for a little 4 day adventure. Whilst on a quiet perusal through the lower east side I thought it would be worth my while to peep the all popular Alife store on Rivington street. Due to me being geographically challenged for the majority of my life, I'd never actually been there before and wanted to see what all the hype was about. The dude behind the counter was a lad and let me in on a little secret that made my day/ entire trip and automatically entitled him to 15, 000 lad points.
Turns out that the newly opened Rocksmith store one block over were having a promo party with free alcohol and beats... and that wasn't even the best part. The party was being promoted by the Board Of Administration in conjunction with Maybach Music. Yeah you heard me, trust me not to bring my fuckin camera. Dude at Alife was all blase about it like "Yeah there's like Wale, Pill, Meek Mill, Black Cobain and that chick who sings that hook on Wale's last mixtape'. And I was like, "Man I fully hated on Wale in my last post and I now feel kinda guilty coz, you know, I really got love for the guy. Besides we all gotta eat right?" Anyways long story short, we hastily made our way over to the party and watched Black Cobain spit on the streets of Manhattan with nothing more than an acoustic guitar and some A grade swag. Tiara Thomas piped up erry now and then with a hook to keep proceedings in order. Wale again was a no show (I saw him play at Coachella last year and he was 30 mins late to his set, didnt apologise to what was left of the crowd and rushed through the remainder of his set missing a shitload of bangers) and Meek Mill and Pill were also no where to be seen. Did see Stalley vibing out with his massive beard knee combing. Needless to say it was a dope arvo.
Anyways that whole experience got my Black Cobain juices flowing again (no homo) and I decided to throw some of his tunes on at work the other day whilst pushing papers... which brings me to the point(s) of this post.
1. How goods Black Cobain? If you don't know, pretty fucking good in my books. He's been quite lively of late posting a few tracks on the online forums and pushing the whole Board of Administration brand/marketing company/music label/ or whatever you want to call it. I don't even think THEY know what the company does which makes it ever better.
2. Why is Wale puttin out poo poo when he can still rap like this? Go and pleasure your ears to his verse on the 4am that was put online about a month ago. Songs illlll.
Props to Wale for droppin Lil Penny as well as Ndamukong Suh in his verse. That guys a beast and makes Dwight Howard look like a pre-pubescent Chad Pennington.
Turns out that the newly opened Rocksmith store one block over were having a promo party with free alcohol and beats... and that wasn't even the best part. The party was being promoted by the Board Of Administration in conjunction with Maybach Music. Yeah you heard me, trust me not to bring my fuckin camera. Dude at Alife was all blase about it like "Yeah there's like Wale, Pill, Meek Mill, Black Cobain and that chick who sings that hook on Wale's last mixtape'. And I was like, "Man I fully hated on Wale in my last post and I now feel kinda guilty coz, you know, I really got love for the guy. Besides we all gotta eat right?" Anyways long story short, we hastily made our way over to the party and watched Black Cobain spit on the streets of Manhattan with nothing more than an acoustic guitar and some A grade swag. Tiara Thomas piped up erry now and then with a hook to keep proceedings in order. Wale again was a no show (I saw him play at Coachella last year and he was 30 mins late to his set, didnt apologise to what was left of the crowd and rushed through the remainder of his set missing a shitload of bangers) and Meek Mill and Pill were also no where to be seen. Did see Stalley vibing out with his massive beard knee combing. Needless to say it was a dope arvo.
Anyways that whole experience got my Black Cobain juices flowing again (no homo) and I decided to throw some of his tunes on at work the other day whilst pushing papers... which brings me to the point(s) of this post.
1. How goods Black Cobain? If you don't know, pretty fucking good in my books. He's been quite lively of late posting a few tracks on the online forums and pushing the whole Board of Administration brand/marketing company/music label/ or whatever you want to call it. I don't even think THEY know what the company does which makes it ever better.
2. Why is Wale puttin out poo poo when he can still rap like this? Go and pleasure your ears to his verse on the 4am that was put online about a month ago. Songs illlll.
Props to Wale for droppin Lil Penny as well as Ndamukong Suh in his verse. That guys a beast and makes Dwight Howard look like a pre-pubescent Chad Pennington.
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