Aaaah... It's a good feeling knowing that you're a good guy, an ever better feeling to know that you're so great that your impact on society will be appreciated by everybody forever. Well by everybody I mean everybody with exception to Nickelback. Fuck Nickelback, They're like Tom Cruise but worse because there is more than one. Fuck Tom Cruise too for that matter, Mission Impossible 4 will suck more balls than the Wolverine movie, which I believe gobbled down on a record 33 sets of balls (66 individual testicles).
Oh yeah so I check my inbox this morning and along with the usual fan mail and debt reminders I get something new. Something which at first I thought was spam, something written to me personally and intended for me to spread to all of our readers and our one follower, which coincidently is me. It was a reply to an e-mail I had sent to Pink. I basically asked her where she got off.
This is what I received in return:
"Dear Jeremy,
Thank you for your letter. I must admit at first I was confused by your question. I didn't know whether you were a fan asking which train station I exited from or a creep getting sexual with it! It wasn't until I asked my good friends Nickelback to clarify what you meant that I realised you were criticising my art.
It prompted some in depth soul searching and I thank you. I came to realise that my music has been polluting the atmosphere for the larger part of my life. My music is pure poo, like sloppy and steamy, the type of poo you need to use a whole roll on and then are left with an inconveniently situated rash. A nagging rash that nothing can soothe. I like to think my voice represents the rash and the sloppy turd is my production. It stinks, it burns and in it's simplest form is just down right unpleasant.
At first I accepted this and moved on but something else was nagging me. Was my music alone the problem? I couldn't possibly see how I could get any worse... but then I did. I endorsed my protégé Adam 'Whadayawanfromeey' Lambert, what the fuck was I thinking. The guy is literally a gay male version of myself. I slapped the world's gay community in the face with that one and I am deeply sorry. My whole image is disturbing, I want to be empowering to women that's why I try to look like a dude? I had Bucky Lasek fist pumping in a film clip. I am a virus and I have infected innocent people. I initially named myself P!NK because I sported a sweet pink doo. My hair is no longer pink maybe I should boot off. I am sorry.
Jeremy, Please accept this apology if I had a heart it would be aching for the world. I am a cyborg.
Regrettably me,
P!NK"
Wow, that actually happened and if she does boot off you can thank your's truly.
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